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We sign off on emails to each other with a minimum three x's and o's. Our divorce -- though public and heavily laden with fancy attorneys whose grandchildren's weddings we paid for -- was actually about as amicable as one could hope. I'd been determined to make holy matrimony my bitch. We drove my baby-blue Ford Falcon downtown, got married in front of a judge and several gang members . (Well, actually, all men are easy, especially those in politics, but that's a whole other subject.) All men are cheap. "I'm afraid I'm going to forget our Christmases, Mom," he told her, "Someday, will it be like they never happened? The lower wage-earner typically endures a lower standard of living. ...because you're also raising not only their issues, but their parents' issues.
You probably think you have no reason to listen to me. standards, I'm ancient -- and I've had many life experiences, among them two marriages. I've become a reluctant expert; the poster ex-wife for divorce. Your kids have to remember textbooks, notebooks, backpacks, favorite t-shirts, socks, Vans, homework, football helmet, cleats... On top of that, they have to do science reports in first grade, master algebra in fifth. I've volunteered in my sons' classes, and I hate to say it, but I can tell which children have parents who are divorced.I have never said a bad word about my "was" to my children; I hope he can say the same. The first time around, I was married just three months after meeting Starter Husband at a nightclub. Then I dashed off, making it to work that day by that morning. But after over 16 years of living together, almost ten years of marriage, with a family unit of two little boys, my husband's two older children, and a mini-dachshund named Cecil, I found myself divorced. I was in my forties, and hadn't learned a thing about relationships. And all men love shopping at the Tiffany's counter. And all men check in several times a day, just because. " Consistency is key to a happy, healthy childhood. Fighting over money turns people into the worst versions of themselves. Throw divorce lawyers into the mix and you have a recipe for bankruptcy, both financial and moral. That's a f-ckload of issues, to put it in psychological terms. Dates will shock you -- shock you -- with what they believe is normal behavior.(I didn't say I was smart, just married.) My "starter" marriage proved to be just that -- lasting three years, a year for each month of courtship. If anything, I was less sure of what I knew at this point than when I was 16 and happily engaged to Prince (in my head). It colors everything -- from a first date with a promising somebody to a basketball game where your kid makes three-pointers. I've found that in dating, men are expensive -- probably as expensive as women. If you get divorced, it's likely you're going to be dating other divorced people -- and guess what, they come with the same thing you have -- ex-and-kid baggage. Every little quirk that you find the slightest bit irritating in your dining partner is guaranteed to become the central core of his personality as the years pile on. When a dinner date feels like a scene from Hangover 2, you know you're in trouble. Except you're not a teenager, trying to sneak one over on Mom and Dad. Even if they like the new guy or girl, they don't want to appear to be choosing sides against their other biological parent.I left my home, husband, four dogs, and shotgun, and moved around the corner from Canter's Deli to an empty apartment with an empty aquarium. Since I'm not remotely Elizabeth Taylor, this divorce thing was getting old, fast. And you can tell yourself, yeah, I did it for my kids, so they could grow up with a healthy mother, a happier mother who had more time for them. I know many divorced women who've lent money to their boyfriends or bought them expensive gifts. The only good thing to come out of this recession is that fewer people are getting divorced. Hey, I love kids, I've raised or helped raise enough of them, going back over two decades -- but being a stepparent, or even a stepfriend -- is not for the faint of heart. Internet dating now seems like a safe, time-tested way to get to know people -- until you read about the film executive who was the victim of a sexual attack by a man she met on Match. Craigslist is just another name for potential date rape; to a single mother, nothing is scarier than craigslist. You are the sole member of the household responsible for the health and well-being of your children. When you do go out with someone (after the kids go to bed), you size them up not only against your standards, but the standards of your children. A single mother feels it every day: When the sun goes down, there is no one there to watch your back. I have not slept a full night in three years; it's hard to sleep with one eye open and a dog named Peanut the only thing between you and potential threat. Prior to my divorce, an Oscar-winning screenwriter told me to keep in mind that a couple is more than just the sum of two people. Neither did I, but that's probably why I don't have an Oscar.The first week apart from Starter Husband, I lost eight pounds. But single motherhood, even with access to help, is not for sissies. No longer do men feel remiss in accepting, and in some cases, demanding money, clothes, cars, trinkets. Parents get bent out of shape when another adult comes into the picture, no matter how good their intentions. Fitting the pieces together with others after a divorce is a constant struggle, whether you're talking about old exes, new marriages, or the children from either. How do you fit the puzzle pieces together when one of the pieces is a hormonal pre-teen, another is a borderline personality ex bent on destroying everything in her path, including her own child, and a third is the dog who growls every time you enter the room. Bottom line: You may care as much for your significant other's children as they do, but you are not their parent. Dating sucks (after the first three months); your ex dating sucks and never stops sucking. Does his slightly wheezy laugh grate on your nerves? Do you like a backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans on a forty-year-old? Guess how much you're going to like it in twenty years? You're not the only one going out on that date -- your seven-year-old is right there with you, with his toothy grin. A phone call after nine sends chills down my spine. It was a drunken teenage girl (I'm learning there are no other kind) demanding her purse back. Still, I've thought about what he said a lot since then.Friends forced me to eat matzoh ball soup, counting every spoonful. Sure, I have more control over my children under the circumstances -- but in return, I'm more strung-out, I'm more overwhelmed. I've talked and talked to women and men desperately trying to figure out how and when and with whom to start again. What about the fact that he just called his ex-wife a b-tch? Your fourteen-year-old is scowling in the background. Now you've been hurt anew, and by someone with whom you don't share children or a dog or a name. Er, you may not find this frightening if you have a man in the house. He was speaking of synergy, the mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements.
At night, alone in bed for the first time in years, I swam through my tears while listening to George Michael and Don Henley (the only time I've listened to Don Henley), weeping to Van Cliburn playing Mozart sonatas. I reasoned that marriage had held me back from fulfilling my dreams, from self-actualization -- the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (love and belonging hovering way below, only after safety needs and stuff like "breathing"). Okay, after the second break-up, I no longer have to eat osso bucco with Sumner Redstone, and that almost makes it worth it, but I also have to answer my children's questions about why, how, when. Your stoic ten-year-old has tears welling up in his eyes. might be the only thing that makes sense for the single parent. Your self-actualization and self-esteem needs to move over and make some mac and cheese. Just as time is the only true test of love and marriage -- time is the true test of divorce, as well. I, on the other hand, called the cops, and thought seriously about getting a gun. The two of you have combined to make something that would not otherwise exist.I have to tell them that -- despite my past, despite my wasband's past -- marriage is still worth trying. Ladies (and curious men), these are my top seven (and a half) reasons for staying married: 1. Frankly, other than superficial dating far away from your kids' eyes and ears, E. Yes, your happiness is important, but the moment you gave birth, your happiness took a backseat to that squalling bundle of joy. What we are together is greater than what we are apart. How about sleep in a different bed, use a different toothbrush, get used to the new person in the kitchen and the master bedroom? Recently, there was a new study in that showed children of divorce lag in math scores and social skills. Would you like to remember at which house you left your wallet, your laptop, your workout bag, your briefcase? For example, children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to drop out of school, suffer drug and alcohol problems, require psychotherapy, and get divorced themselves. My observations of children of divorce, including my own, are simple. Would you want to go to a different home every few days because it suits someone else's schedule? Basically, if you hate your spouse and get divorced, you will be trading him in for a similar model, only in chinos. If I really don't want to sleep at night, I'll reread her statistics.